I'm higher than a motherfucker.
Starships
Mariana☮
Let's just make this simple.
I'm having a relationship with 'She didn't just kissed, she claimed ownership. Took his mouth with urgency, as if her life depended on her kissing him.' You know how is it when you love someone? And the hard part, the bad part, the Jerry Springer Show part is that you never stop loving someone. There’s always a piece of them in your heart. Were you so afraid of losing something you love, that you refuse to love anything? Sometimes I'd be glad if only you'd fought for me.
She fell, she hurt, she felt. She lived. And for all the tumble of her experiences, she still had hope. Maybe this next time would do the trick. Or maybe not. But unless you stepped into the game, you would never know. When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable.
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Know that the pain will pass and when it passes ,
you will become stronger , happier , more sensitive and aware .
-Mariana
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Tuesday, August 9, 2011 2:03 AM
I just don't know why I still can't get over him. I'm not using anyone to forget any shit from my life ok. I always thought of him, always miss him, always regretting that shit that already happened. I don't really know why we actually broke off. People can be spreading rumors about me to other people about this, go ahead. Thanks for letting them know what I'm going through. I always thought about how we weren't even together and yet still so close. All those built up rainbow from my heart to yours. Karma can take anything it wants, but it can never take away our yesterday. I'm always yearning and whining about you to my boyfriend and my friends.. It's different okay, people can say 'it's okay.. it'll go off sooner than you thought.. cheer up :)' or whatever you think they could say to cheer me up. But, I just wanted someone to know how happy I was when I was with you. I didn't wanna stay during the red cross camp but, I wanted to be there for you when you were asleep.. When you were going off in the morning, I was pretending to sleep, holding back my tears. I wasn't prepared for any of that shit to happened. I thought we would last longer than that. Every silly thing you do brings laughter to my smile. You changed my life from there, you made me think as if I was able to strive for anything. From all those little quarrels we had, I thought that made our love stronger.. I really miss you, just like how I texted you. But it's okay if you ignored.. It was supposed to be that way.. If I hadn't given you the book, I would've read every page over and over again, with tears streaming down my cheeks. I haven't been eating well lately, it's like the pain of hunger wasn't the worst pain already. But the pain and bitterness of my heart is. Don't worry, I'm not using anyone as a substitute to move on or forget some human. Seeing you, I felt as if I could live forever, little free thinker. Pain from which I have this confusion of telling people or not. I don't want to go around hurting peoples' feelings just like that, right? Ever since Sya's gone, it's like the only person I could count on is Aliff, my boyfriend. Wouldn't it be awkward and weird and wronnnnggg for me to say out my feelings about hhiimm to him? ( O.o) Yes, it will be awkward. Every time I tried to tell Aliff about how I feel, I would always be thinking more than thrice and thinking that I've wasted my time thinking that he should know how I feel. It's not that I don't love Aliff. Maybe I haven't really been able to adapt to this new 'environment'. I know I shouldn't be thinking about hhiimm. But I'll always ended up dreaming of him, and when I woke up, it ended. I really don't know what to do with myself, thinking about this, thinking about that, thinking about things that I shouldn't even think of in the first place because it doesn't benefit me in any way. Remember when you were working and I would come over to have lunch with you and then I would get back home? Remember when I would just come to school no matter if I was sick or school has ended and I would still get down to school just to see you and go home together with you? We spend most of the time together. I miss those piggybacks or maybe I was the one who would be carrying you sometimes, hahaha.. Seriously, I really want to clear my mind up. I never regretted rejecting you then accepted you when you asked me to be yours that night after red cross, at Jacqueline's house bustop. I should be thankful to you for those beautiful memories that we've made together :') I will keep and treasure it. As I slowly learn to let you go, I hope my bridge that is being built with Aliff is as beautiful as what we had.
So... we've been for 2 months and 11 days now. Things are fine and normal. I know he isn't really much of what I've wished for, but he's the kindest boyfriend I've ever had. He's my bestfriend, my mother, my father, my brother, my sister, my babydwagon. :) Sometimes being with him reminds me more of those other malay people. Have I told you how I got to know him? My original plan was that, I am supposed to trap him in some kind of stmf stuff. I ended up meeting him and live my next part of life with him. :D Although I may worry quite alot about him, of well you know, looking for people who are better than me. If I were to say that to him, he would go 'no.... why would I do that, i already have you.. I feel lucky to have you...' and all of those stuff. Not that I don't like the way he said it. It just doesn't really convince me. Like as if my mind told me to take an extra precaution to whatever he is going to do. But it's okay, I trust that he won't be doing stupid things. My fingers want to type more, but my eyes are getting worse, it's reddish and my eyesight is getting much more blurrier. I want to get some shut eye for now.. I'll continue when I think I am having more than enough time to actually update about. :) Goodmorning dearest Earthlings. :)
p/s: HAPPY NATIONAL DAY! <3