Let's just make this simple.
I'm having a relationship with Aliff Bin Raffi Faizal Bin Omar
'She didn't just kissed, she claimed ownership. Took his mouth with urgency,
as if her life depended on her kissing him.' You know how is it when you love
someone? And the hard part, the bad part, the Jerry Springer Show part is
that you never stop loving someone. There’s always a piece of them in your heart.
Were you so afraid of losing something you love, that you refuse to love anything?
Sometimes I'd be glad if only you'd fought for me.
She fell, she hurt, she felt. She lived. And for all the tumble of her experiences,
she still had hope. Maybe this next time would do the trick. Or maybe not. But
unless you stepped into the game, you would never know. When we were children,
we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable.
But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable. My HomepageTaggedTumblrTwitter
Know that the pain will pass and when it passes ,
you will become stronger , happier , more sensitive and aware .
I have thought about this thoroughly. That I'm not going back home until they see what I want all these while. I came home with a good mind at heart but they thought that I was having problems with my boyfriend. The more I stayed there the more my baby-girl would hear people bad mouthing about her own papa. I don't want that to hurt her. I thought my best cousin would understand what I've gone through all these while, even she is worse than my sister, even thought the best thing for me is to be under rehab and get out 2-3 years later. How could she? For me to return home is a total bad idea. They don't see the way I see things. They want me to solve problems, but they are telling me to leave my own boyfriend. Why must I leave him? I know I've got a thousands of reasons to leave him, but everyone knows my nature isn't like that. What other people do, I be different. I've said so many times to anyone that I am different, why can't they believe me. I don't need anyone's pity on me, because being with Faizal is a whole different thing. We felt as if we are long married, like as if the only thing that's missing is a piece of evidence paper.
I don't feel welcomed being at home. My step mother asked, "Are you going to stay for a day or forever and ever?" I replied her that I'm staying until Hari Raya ends, and she gave me a pathetic i-disgust-you way,"Do you understand what I've just said?" "Yeah, to stay for a day, or forever staying there, I get that." Like, hey what the hell was that supposed to mean? You guys don't want me home? Feel ashamed of me being pregnant without getting married. Fuck that, I'll end it here, I hope you guys know why I'm feeling pissed and sad. This is our daughter, and I am proud to have her in my stomach because she is as special as I am.
I’m sorry, maybe you could say that I’m selfish, but I really have to go. I’m not leaving you, no. Maybe I’m a huge burden to you. I don’t need you to work for me. I don’t need your money. Go ahead and say that I am a spendthrift. Go ahead and say I spend money on things that are useless. Just say whatever you want to say, because I’ve been doing that the entire lifetime. Let others say what they wish, I won’t be pointing back at you and laugh when it all comes around back at yourself. I am not rich. My dad used to gave me $10 for a day’s pocket money at school and never failed to remind me of saving. Whenever I am free, I’ll go out with my friends, and my dad will give me $20 and he’ll tell me to spend it wisely. Enough of all these basic stuff. I am well taught. Never to say unnecessary things unnecessarily. Never to look at something too dramatically. All those, be polite stuff.
Back to what I’m supposed to talk about. I’m going home without letting you know. This is the most crucial time for me to be at home. I’ve thought about this thoroughly, and I believe and put my trust on you to behave well. I am sorry. I don’t consider you as just a boyfriend anymore, but more than that and I hope that you do understand what I’ve meant. What hurts me the most? Every time I looked forward to meeting you after work, you’ll end up spoiling my mood. What did you meant by all that? All those things you’ve said? $15 left and you don’t appreciate my effort? Why must everything that I’ve bought be a waste of garbage to you? What is it because I’m spending your hard earned money? Might as well I don’t bring that money out, right? So what if you’ve got your money? Your money doesn’t mean you can have all the power to me. You already disrespect my presence too many times. You nailed me down flat to the grounds. Be in my shoes, boy. Have my back pain, have my baby in you, have my mind in yours! You say I’m ego? Kidding me. Me or you ego? You say I’m a spendthrift? Kidding me. Me or you a spendthrift? You say I’m a prostitute? Dude, you have got to be kidding me. How you treat me is just off the hook. To me, I just realized that you take me for a fool. I hate broken promises. You always break it. Baby, you spoiled me. You really do. My iPod’s broken screen hasn’t been fixed since you last promised 5 months ago. Nothing can replace my hard earned Beats by dr dre earpiece. Sooner or later, this notebook is going to be crashed down in power if you continue treating it like how you usually do, it’s halfway dying already. Don’t worry, when I’m gone, I’m going to find my own job and earn my own money so no one can stop me from buying my necessities.
The last time I looked around the room, I don’t feel welcome anymore because it seems like you own this room alone. Anyone can barely know that you are sleeping in the same room as me.
I’m scared to go as I have the fear that I might loose you at the same time. But no matter what, if I don’t take the risk, I will never know. I’m tired of reminding you how much I love you. I have no time left for other boys. I’m set and down to live this life with you. I’m sorry and I hope you don’t do anything stupid. I love you.
I'm beginning to feel lonelier as days passed. I began to miss you more than I've ever had. We can't help it, you have to go out and earn some money for us to live on. I can't stop myself from imagining how everything will be like after I've given birth. It's going to be awkward for us. A small family, living in a room at another person's house. This is not how I planned everything to be, but things had happened, nobody can change it.
I kept on thinking about renting a small place for us, somewhere where we can have our own privacy. Looks like we're stuck like this until a sum of money is more than enough for us to move on.
Every time you go to work, I had to wait until you end. By then, I would be looking forward to seeing your face and I'll go like, 'Oh dear, you've no idea how much I've missed you. All I ever wanted to do was to set the time faster so I don't have to wait any longer to look at your eyes, lips, face. I miss you.' I couldn't help myself earlier on today, he reached home from work, we played mini monopoly together. We put away for awhile and lay on the bed together, I hugged him tight and said in my heart, "I miss you so much, you have no idea." I cried, scared of loosing him one day. He's asleep beside me now. Poor baby, worked too hard and fell asleep without me tonight haha. I can't live without you.