Jacqueline Ellysha Clothing Candy

Coding/Design: MSLFO
Images: Your Viva La Pop .

July 2009
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Family? People said that blood is thicker than water and you would always go back to your own family. I felt that family meant nothing to me any more  My family disappoint me. They don't see that I've survived pregnancy, don't they see my pain at 17. They don't see that when I was pushing baby Fina out, the only person I held onto was you. They don't see that you've forced me to eat medicine which I don't eat for years and started to be brave with meds. They don't see that no matter how hard I tried to run away from you, I would still end up back under one roof with you at the end of the day, they don't see that I can't live without you. Yes, we are not married and I am not proud of that and it's not like we didn't plan on getting married. We are taking fucking small steps at a time. Yes, I've messed up the whole relationship between my family and our love, but can't they see that we are not giving up our love easily? I believe that you and I can stay longer than now. Whoever tries to break us apart, there will always be a problem.

I once tried to talk to my mother, while I was being tricked by my uncle. I fell into their trap, they knew Faizal was under probation, someone called the police and sabotaged him. I was alone and Faizal had to escape, I almost begged my mother to let me stay with him, I had to call my sister for an emergency escape. She arrived with her friends, got me away from my mother and company, everything was settled, I returned home with Faizal.

My mother once chased after us in public, for money and wanting me to leave Faizal. The both of us ran away, my mother followed, got tired she stopped. We took the cab home.

My mother, aunt, uncle and cousin once had a huge public fight with Faizal's family, I was a distance away, not wanting my family to drag me home to leave Faizal, I stood there watching.. My mother made a report about me being kidnapped, but even the police can't solve it, because my mother knows where I am staying, which is just one storey above her house. Faizal and I returned home.

Every time I came home to visit her, she would turn away not letting me to salaam her. I understood of her actions.

My grandfather passed away, nobody in the family told me about it, but an outsider. I never fail to try and give a salaam to my mother, but she always showed me that pathetic childish face and turned away. My grandmother was shocked to see me coming at night with Faizal outside the house, she talked about Faizal, wanted me to tell him to work hard don't stop working. We returned home.

Hari Raya came, there's nothing to celebrate for even if I returned to my mother. I didn't visit her, but I visited my father. My sister welcomed me by a sulky shitty face and a flush of warnings to leave Faizal, my father kept silent, step-mother acted depressed, brothers were minding their own business watching tv. I took my things and ran away with Faizal without seeking forgiveness from anyone and we continued our raya outing.

Month of 10 came. I had short period contractions since 5am and couldn't bear with it any more and woke Faizal up at 8am to call the labour ward. We took the cab and I was still having painful contractions, unbearable. When settled at the labour ward, I was being served by NUH's lunch menu, while waiting for Faizal to return from buying the delicious Chicken Rice and mango, I finished up the lunch menu. By the time he returned, my waterbag broke and minutes later I found myself laughing because I was high on gas. Baby fina was out, crying. It wasn't my mother or father which was there to congratulate me on printing out a human. The only people who came was Faizal's family and friends, he should be lucky, as bad as he is, he has family and friends. As good as me has none.

Discharged from the hospital, we managed to bring baby Fina home. The next morning, I tried to give a visit at my mother's house with fina and Faizal. I came, door was banged shut, cousin hiding behind the door asking why would I come back. Grandmother was outside, doing the laundry, she touched fina and said my mother is angry at me. She told me to go. I want you to imagine this; I was holding the baby, trying to be happy, turned around, slowly walking towards Faizal trying to smile to show him that I am not hurting, but when we reached the staircase near our house, my eyes were heavy and full of tears. Faizal scolded me because I was crying in-front of Fina, and I shouldn't have done that. We returned home.

Days later after birth, my mother made a report against Faizal, the guy who made me pregnant. I had to turn up for an interview the next day. I prayed hard nothing would happen to Faizal, if he would get in, I won't know how I would survive. The next call I received from the police saying I don't have to come for the interview any more because I was 17 when I was pregnant. Report was cancelled. My mind came to at ease.

Yes I agreed that my family tried to fight for me, but I don't want that. My mother once asked me, "What do you want?" I replied, "I want Faizal." She told me no.

There's just so much pain and I knew more pain will come, and all these pain is a job for Faizal to heal, and that made our love stronger. I have you, and you have me. Baby Fina have us. It's almost a year since I last had a good love from my family.